I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
