I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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