and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
