The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
