i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
