So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
