I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
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