walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
