i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
