I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
