Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
