Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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