I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Randomize
