Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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