You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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