1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
