Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
