When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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