My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
