You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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