Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Randomize
