I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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