We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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