That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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