girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
