im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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