the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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