The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
