yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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