Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
