her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
