if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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