My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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