i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
