i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
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