What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
