Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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