I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
