You're my little dorito
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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