Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Do you still have your period?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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