Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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