I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
