If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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