I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
