I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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