Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
