fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize