I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
