At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
