Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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