Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize