my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
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So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
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You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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