Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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