Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
