You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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